Heavy Petting

Have you ever thought, Why are you wearing that t-shirt when you're so fat?

I know it sounds callous, but what if that shirt was inmate orange and said, "Life's short. Pet hard"? Then, do you think you'd reevaluate your judgement of me and my black heart? That's what I thought. There are certain things in life that just shouldn't be advertised, especially on clothing: how much you like to drink, whether or not you're disease free, how "hott" you are (news flash: this is like an extension of the whole "Wow, I never even knew he was that rich" phenomenon--when you've got it, you don't have to constantly tell people you do), your political affiliation, the whole Joe's Crabshack "Got Crabs?" campaign, how hard you think people should pet others, and if you're Macy Gray, the release date of your upcoming album (on a stone-washed denim jumpsuit, nonetheless--really, Macy? REALLY?!).

I don't even know where you could purchase a t-shirt like that. Maybe I'm too quick to jump to conclusions. Maybe that t-shirt wearing petter got it as a hand-me-down from a drunk uncle. Maybe it was a cruel joke. All I know is if I saw my friend/child/brother/sister/family member of any kind wearing something like that, I would do the world a favor and sneak into their closet while they're sleeping, or, you know, off petting something/someone and burn the thing.